Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Feeling a lil blue :(

I hate looking at the calendar.  I feel like the days are just draggin by.  I feel bad for Mills that I can’t really be there for her.  It’s hard for me to pick her up, I know I’m not as fun as her daddy, I’ve become short fused, and I suck at cooking.  I am glad that this deployment is short, but it sucks being so far away from many of my friends and especially my family.  I want to be strong, but all I want to do is be a wimp.  I find myself tearing up every now and then.  So far it’s been a few weeks with more weeks to go.  The weather hasn’t been great so I think that is adding to my sadness.  I really wanted to do more things with Mills this weekend but the rain stopped that.  Also she has pink eye, it’s been tough because she doesn’t like the gel for her eyes and fights me every time I have to put it in.  She fights me a lot lately.  Every time I tell her to go to time out, she cries for her dad.  Which is strange because he is usually the disciplinary and I’m the one who comforts her.  She listens to him more, usually it only takes a stern voice from him and she will correct herself.  Me on the other hand have to ask her a million times and usually have to bribe her.  I bend more easily these days in order to dodge a breakdown (from her or myself).  I feel like I have no one to talk to, I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to worry.  I want him to think I can handle this.  Things just haven’t been easy.  I didn’t really expect them to be, but I just didn’t expect things to be like this.  Maybe when we’re used to things, it will ease up…hopefully this week.  The thought just hit me,  I’m only dealing with one child and one on the way, how is it going to be with 2 kids and he gets deployed?  How am I going to handle things then?  Will I be able to?  We have talked about staying overseas, it’s a very real possibility that he’ll leave on deployment and I’m stuck with 2 kids.  At this point I don’t feel adequate.  Every part of me wants to be able to call him and ask him to come home.  But there is no way in hell that would happen.  We don’t even get to talk.  I was getting emails from him on a regular basis for about a week, then that stopped.  Now they are more sporadic.  Ughhhh…I feel terrible for complaining because so many other wives have it worse.   I just got to have hope that everyday it’s going to get a little easier and everyday done is another day closer to him coming home.  I just got to be strong… strong for Mills, strong for Morgan, and strong for myself.

On a side note>>>

{Starting to get more gifts for the baby, I'm excited!}

{I feel like I want to cut my hair, I feel like I need a change.}

{I got a wedding invitation for a really good friend's wedding in June, I'm sad I can't go.}


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